Letters to Mom and Dad: Where Do I Begin?

Dear Mom and Dad,

Where do I begin? It’s Christmas Eve and as I look back on this last year, I feel like I don’t know where to start. I miss you. I’ve had so many moments recently when I have felt your presence with me. It’s hard to describe. Sometimes it’s a song that I hear in a random place, like “Unforgettable” by Nat King Cole.

Dad, I remember us dancing to that song at my wedding but the version we danced to was the one with his daughter, Natalie Cole. That always seemed to be our song and when I heard the original version with just Nat King Cole, it was almost like you wanted me to know you were right there with me. I know to some that might sound crazy and I know many people just don’t understand and that’s ok.

I remember knowing before I was even engaged that this would be our song that we danced to because we used to sing it together.

You were always so supportive of my singing. I remember getting a karaoke machine for Christmas and being so excited because I could sing and even record my original songs. I would eagerly ask you to come and listen to me and you would share how much I reminded you of Grandma. You even told me that she recorded a song called “A Journey to a Star”. I tried so hard to find that song or recreate it, somehow by listening to you sing it. We definitely had a strong bond when it came to music.

Mom, I remember how much we used to love to listen to Gloria Estefan and how excited I was when we went to her “Into the Light” concert. And it was the night before we left for Disneyland too! I remember driving to what was then called Arco Arena. You would be amazed at how much that entire area has changed since the last time you were there. It’s hardly recognizable now. Still, I remember singing, dancing, smiling, and most of all, being with you. Those are such special memories for me. I wish I had a picture of us from when we went but that’s ok.

It’s still hard to believe you’re gone. I have so many moments, especially lately, when I wish I could just talk to you and hear your voice again. To ask you all of the questions I have about being a wife, a mom, and a beloved daughter of God. Or sometimes, I just wish we could go out to lunch or coffee. Or just talk.

This was our last Mother’s Day together. It was before I became a mom myself. I remember feeling so blessed to have been able to spend that weekend with you, especially because I was still working in retail. But I had wonderful bosses who knew what was going on with you and knew how important it was for me to be with you.

I wish I had realized sooner just how precious our time together was. I wish I had made a more conscious effort to spend more time with you.

I’ve spent a lot of time trying to process how losing you both has affected me. I have so much guilt for not making more of an effort to be with you more while you were still here on earth. With God’s help, I’ve been learning how to forgive myself for what I feel like were shortcomings on my part as your daughter. What can I say? I’m a work in progress.

But I do know this. You both loved me. No matter what happened in my life, even when you disagreed with some of the choices and decisions I made, you still loved me. Your love for me was unconditional, just like God’s love. Learning God loves me unconditionally is something I think I will always be working on accepting. But it is because of His love for me, because I’m a daughter of God that I know I will see you both again eventually when we meet in Heaven. As much as I miss you both, I hope I have many decades before that beautiful moment arrives.

I love you both. And miss you.

Until we meet again, God bless.

Love,

Jenni