Not Right Now
Dear Mom and Dad,
Gosh, it’s been a while since I’ve written to you. I feel like a broken record every time I say that to you. Even though I feel like you know what’s been going on in my life, it’s still a challenge sometimes to slow down enough to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard, if I’m being more specific) to update you on what’s been going on in my life.
A few months ago, I began mentally preparing myself to go on a pilgrimage to France to visit places I’ve dreamt of going and felt called to visit, especially Lourdes, France. I’ve felt St. Thérèse of Lisieux providing little hints that she wants me to see where she grew up and lived. I’ve felt the Holy Spirit calling me to grow deeper in relationship with Jesus and Mary and thought I was doing what God was calling me to do by going on this pilgrimage.
But I can’t. At least not right now.
“In trial or difficulty, I have recourse to Mother Mary, whose glance alone is enough to dissipate every fear.”
— St. Therese of Lisieux
I can’t because my body just can’t handle the travel, nor the amount of walking required. Even though the pilgrimage I was supposed to go on was the least physically demanding of any I have ever seen, the walking involved with visiting these beautiful sites for Thérèse are just too much for me right now. In my own stubbornness and eagerness to travel, I thought maybe I was meant to just go to Lourdes on my own. But God has made it clear to me that it’s just not my time.
For the last month or so, I’ve been praying and asking God that I allow myself to be at peace with whatever His will may be, even if it means cancelling everything altogether. I’ve been praying with the Live Rosary from Lourdes most days and on those when I haven’t prayed live with everyone there in Lourdes, I’ve tried to make sure I go back and pray with the recording. What it’s taken me a while to accept is that His will is that it’s just not the right time for me to go right now.
There’s a great deal of humility I’m still learning, that God is teaching me. I feel like I’ve been doing everything in my power to make this pilgrimage happen in some form or another because I am so desperate for healing. But in the gentle and fatherly way that only He can do, He has helped me realize that, even though I was asking Him what His will is for me, I wasn’t ready to hear it or accept it.
I’ve always had this wanderlust in me and I think I let that get the best of me. But God is showing me that I can’t just say, “Jesus, I trust in You. Take care of everything”. I have to actually mean it and allow Him to take care of everything.
I have so many emotions running through me about this whole thing right now, as I’m sure you can imagine. I’ve never been one to hide my emotions. You both know that about me better than most. I’m so sad and disappointed about all of it. I even ordered international stamps so I could send postcards to the kids from Paris. Mom, I actually have the one you sent to Nana when you went to Paris.
I think in the back of my mind, I was somehow wanting to recreate that because it was something you did. To most, that won’t make sense but I know it does to you and Dad.
But I have to take care of my body, which is not in the best shape right now. Admitting the fact that I physically can’t do things that used to come so easily to me is painful. God truly is humbling me in all of this. It’s ironic because humility was my word of the year a few years ago but He continues to show me that I still have so much growing to do in that virtue as well as others.
I can’t remember if I told you or not but my word this year is perseverance. I’ve been leaning heavily on scripture lately, especially verses that include my word.
“By your perseverance you will secure your lives.”
~Luke 21:19
I’ve also been reading the daily readings more from my Bible. The simple act of finding the readings are for each day, flipping between the tabs and seeing Jesus’ words in red makes such a big difference. I was inspired to do this after interviewing my dear friend, Lisa Hendey about her latest book, Jesus Every Day, Jesus Every Way: A Weekly Devotional. You both would absolutely love her! Plus, she’s a huge Disney fan, maybe even bigger than Nana :).
I think part of what I’m trying to focus on now is healing the many parts of my life where God so desperately wants to draw me closer to Him and to Jesus through Mary. I’m actually hoping to take the time I now have here at home to focus on finishing one of my books. I have three that I’m working on and I’ve been putting off finishing them for so many reasons. I like to say that I do my best writing when I’m under a deadline but the only deadline I have now is my own. But these books are meant to be written. And the first one I need to finish is the one about you two.
Over the past two years, God has shown me that the way I originally was writing it is not how He desires for it to be written. The hard part though, is actually sitting down and taking the time to call upon the Holy Spirit to help guide my writing. It sounds easy but it’s proven much more difficult than I imagined. But I need to do it. I need to finish it because I know it’s meant to help others know that they are not alone in their grief and suffering but also that, while we may not see Him or recognize His presence, God is always with us. Even when we may try to push Him away, He is with us. For we are His beloved sons and daughters and that is why I know I need to finish the book.
Wow, I didn’t mean for this letter to be so long but I wanted to share not only what’s been going on but, also, what’s been on my heart lately.
I miss you both so much and have begun to regularly ask for your intercession, along with my go-to saints. I need and will accept all of the Holy help I can get.
I love you.
Until we meet again, God bless.
Love,
Jennifer
